Blimey, a year since my last journal entry, time for another then. But what is there to report? Well I don't want to bring it down, but I've long suffered from anxiety and periods of self doubt and the last year has seen extended bouts of depression overcome me on occassion. Problem is it's a self perpetuating problem: when you mix with upbeat optimistic people in can be kept in check, a healthy dose of dry humour and cynicism balances things nicely, but if you start feeling you don't want to mix, or you don't see friends as often as you'd like you start becoming a little bit too self possessed.. you start gravitating towards things that make you feel sad; memories, music, images. Becomes easy to languish in melancholy.
Of course I can lose myself in artwork for a while, creating something fictional that fills a gap, and that will keep me fleetingly happy, But where I used to draw or paint a lot, it has become increasingly difficult to find the enthusiasm for it. This is a problem because it's really the only worthy skill I have and if I can't make a career out of it I'll be floundering to find anything else as fulfilling. I suppose if I found happiness elsewhere in my life my enthusiasm for all these things would come back. If I drag myself out of apathy in order to paint I am usually happy with the results but it's short lived. My other creative outlet is music. I play drums in a punk band, and the spontaneity and immediacy of that is good. I also create music on my computer, sometimes original stuff that could be practically any style of music, or covers of any music or themes that I happen to like. You can find a few of those things if you search for Harnois75 on Youtube.
I thought about joining Match.com or something like that to see if I can find the woman to make me feel like a complete person, but writing a profile that sells you when you are in the grip of a depressive mood is difficult, not to say rather pointless.